Sex addiction, well, more precisely pornography addiction. Actually, let’s take a sniper’s spotting scope and really pinpoint that elusive motherfucker. I’m talking about internet pornography addiction and my experiences with it over the course of my life.
First off, anyone who says pornography and specifically internet porn isn’t addictive is a major asshole. I’m telling you, from my own experiences and taking nothing else into account, it most definitely fucking is! As of the moment I write this very sentence I am 31 years old. Which means I have been a regular viewer of pornography for over 2/3’s of my life. I estimate I started looking at around 8 years old. For 23 years I have looked at every disgusting genre that exists, every fucked up fetish I could find.
Big tits – how big do you want them? Hairy pussy, seen it. One piece diving swimsuits like the chicks in the olympics wear. Seen it, and goddam do I love those wide hips, thick thighs and meaty asses and they way those little pieces of spandex accentuate them. Probably reminds me of my earliest memories as a toddler and learning how to swim. Seeing those fat ass housewives changing out of their swimsuits as a horny, and very aware of the female form child.
This is what internet pornography addiction is and No Fap can help alleviate. So far I am 2 days into the rest of my life. My longest streak has been roughly 45 days, which was almost a decade ago. And this streak was only due to a ransomware virus from looking at porn and being physically incapable of looking at porn until the computer was completely reformatted. 45 days is the longest period of time I have spent in my entire adult life without internet pornography. In that time period I have installed web blockers, only to bypass them. I have told my parents about my struggle with internet porn, only to lie to them so that I could find a way to look at internet porn again. I have physically torn down a door because I was feeling such intense withdrawls I felt I had to. I have talked with numerous girlfriends on the phone while I was simultaneously looking at disturbing internet porn.
Just so that there is absolutely no ambiguity in my account whatsoever this is some of what I’ve looked at:
Women (obviously), busty women, hairy women, busty hairy women, women fucking men, women fucking women, women fucking dogs, women fucking horses, women eating shit, women drinking piss, women licking a farting asshole, lesbian grannies, retro porn, tranny porn, gay porn, voyeur porn, amateur porn, a chick shoving a plate full of chestnuts up her asshole, a chick shoving a grapefruit up her asshole, a chick shoving a baseball bat up her asshole, a chick shoving a wine bottle up her asshole (I used to like chicks shoving weird painful shit up their assholes, not proud of it)
This is by no means an exhausting list of what I’ve looked at, and certainly not what exists out there. This is what internet porn is, it’s an itch you’ll never be able to scratch. It’s a deep dark pit that you’ll find yourself sliding further, and further down. You’ll keep on scratching that itch until you bleed, you’ll keep on scratching until you hit bone. You’ll keep on scratching until you tear off an appendage, and then you’ll just keep scratching. Every single time I’ve escalated to more disgusting and disturbing material I thought I’d finally hit rock bottom. The thing is, I never hit it, rock bottom was just another illusion.
You can sink so far that you can’t look at yourself in the mirror. Literally, and not figuratively, after particularly bad sessions I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without causing a panic attack. I have reached points where I have felt no reason to live, yet not commit suicide or die, just live in eternal oblivion. That feeling of mortal purgatory is as excruciating as it is familiar.
This is what internet porn has been for me. I have squandered the entirety of my teenage years, my entire 20’s; and now, almost a year of my 30’s. I don’t know what could have been. Maybe I would have done better in school, been better with women, done better in sports, made better friends. It truly tears my heart out to write this. I may have lived an inconceivably better life because I wasn’t looking at porn and jacking off. I could have been better.
Now that I know rock bottom is an illusion I’ll tell you this. There is the moment that your pain, your regret, your shame, and your yearning becomes so great that you force yourself to change. This is the only moment that makes you decide to burn the boats and face your fears. This is the moment you decide to face the future without the only coping mechanism you have ever used in your life.
Every single time you see a big round ass at the gym in that exact brand that makes a chicks ass look unbelievable and feel like immediately using – don’t. Every single time you feel bored – don’t. Every time you feel sad, or happy – don’t. Every single time you are alone, stuck there with yourself and the totality of you – don’t look at porn! Every single moment you are left with a choice that requires a great decision to rally or give in, rally! My last hundred relapses taught me that unless the last time was truly “THE LAST FUCKING TIME!” then it is never truly going to be the last time.
There is no day count, there is only today, there is only your unwavering decision to honor the choice to stay clean. This world is made of triggers, each one more compelling than the last. But you made a promise to yourself that no matter what, this time is different. This time you are resolved to change your life. That the pain of pleasure and regret is infinitely worse than the pain of the worst pain conceivable.
The true and real pain you have tried as hard to ignore and neglect is your very life. Every single consequence is there waiting to be dealt with. The loneliness, the unemployment, the living with your parents at 31 is still there. But also there is a future. A future that you are fully in control of, for better or worse. The good and the bad existing perpetually side by side. A life exists where there was once an addiction, a perpetual avoidance of life.
Addiction is a life spent dwelling in pain while disguised as the most exquisite pleasure. Your only goal is to feel good while you watch your life slip away. You watch your family age, your friends age, and worst of all you watch yourself age.
I can’t tell you what to do, all I can tell you is that regret is a living hell. I can tell you that being a muscular, handsome, intelligent man who hasn’t had sex in 7 years is hell. I can tell you driving shitty cars that you have to learn how to fix because you’re broke is hell. But hell is truly knowing that there is only one person to blame. I’m the only one I can blame. There is no girl who broke my heart. There is no parent who couldn’t show me the affection I needed. There is no God to curse – there is only me.
In my world I am God, my decisions, my thoughts are what dictates my reality. The external can never effect me as much as my perception of it. Face both good and bad with grace and serenity.
My reason for quitting porn is this:
“I just can’t keep living this way, I hate it so much. No matter how good it feels to look at porn and orgasm to it, there is no perfect picture or video. I can’t go back to it. I won’t go back to it!”
You have a bottom line or an excuse. Porn has been my demon. I don’t know yours. I hope you beat it finally.